building relationship.

so, the LORD and i had a little heart to heart last night. actually i had some choice words for HIM last night cause i'm having some conflicts at this moment about HIS void filling capacity. that's all i will say and still tell the truth yet not let everything out as to confuse others!

but then, the strangest thing happened...in the middle of my continued banter this morning, i felt HIS prescence resting on me like...I AM HERE. which shut me up for a little while. but then i kept praying in mass. one day, i'm going to learn to just SHUT UP. yeah. but overall, i feel like these experiences of honesty and realness build relationship with the LORD JESUS THE CHRIST...THE LIGHT OF OUR WORLD. even through the hardness and sadness in my heart, relationship is still being built.

i've decided...part 2.

lately, i've been a little sad. i'll admit it...why lie? i'm a little sad because i desire to be married right now and i'm longing for my life partner. however, i think i've been trying to fill the void until he comes. well, i think it's about time that i stop that. i know he's on the way...revelation of GOD within myself, through my pastor...in other preachers. i know he's on the way...so why don't I just wait on God and stop trying to do things myself.

And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him.
Isaiah 30:18
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
hey...i just found the first one. that's my unc testimony. wait on HIM.

also, i called my grad school advisor and told him about my entrance into unc's medical school. i had a cry because i felt like...whoa, my old duke life is really really over. but i'm glad. really really glad.

i've decided

today, i've decided that i need to wait...wait on GOD to heal me, wait on GOD to give me the right husband, wait on GOD. just wait on HIM and have some devotion about it, dangit! this girl on grey's anatomy reminded of a time in my memory that i'm not excited to think about or even to which to return if i must. hmmm. israel and new breed's latest cd is hot. it helps me feel better.

vows.

well...it's been a minute since i've written. and i don't really feel like writing today...this week has been mighty mighty hectic: up and down, in and out...all kinds of things. maybe next week i'll be more consistent.

oooh. i forgot a day.

last night in my bed after a long day, i realized i hadn't blogged. how sad.

i'm feeling a little sad this morning cause i didn't go to mass. i was exhausted. i really like going to mass. getting a daily dose of the WORD and getting to get hugs and kisses from the wonderful ladies really is wonderful for me. plus going to mass just helps me to feel a little happier about life. LAMB OF GOD, have mercy.

oh let's see what has happened in 2 days. hmm. yesterday i saw my old advisor. no scary feelings associated with that. that means i must be moving on...or something.

i just wanted to testify to the beauty of friendship and people that love you. well...i was in this situation with this boy (as i always am) and we both think a lot about our relationship because the ultimate direction is definately not where i want it to stay. so, we had this heart to heart last night and he came at me like...you know, i don't want your stance to be any more difficult cause of me...so i'm going to put my needs and wants on hold. wow. that's love and sacrifice. i really about cried (plus i think i was stressed) so i really praise GOD for people who sacrifice even when they don't want to...who love me despite.

love is really never supposed to be afraid. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18. if you really love someone...there is no fear there. you're not afraid of losing the person, you're not afraid of them going to be with someone else, you're not afraid of anything. that's what i learned from my friend. when you love...you seek what's best for the person even if that means you are at a loss. and it feels good to be really loved for who you are and what may or may not be.

is this dude serious?

well, today at mass, father stephen talked about when you get confirmed, you take on the cross of Christ. well, i guess in non-Catholic terms, once you decide to live for Jesus (which is sorta what i think confirmation is about...making your own personal decision to follow Christ) you get a cross....whether it be disease, financial problems, etc, etc, you will have a cross. some level of hardship or problem or something that you know only Jesus can get you through. That's what my pastor said also on Friday...Christianity wasn't meant to make you comfortable. Lord Jesus. Hail Mary! And then there's the whole dependence thing on God. Yeah...I'm trying to all work it out in my head without losing my mind. But because Jesus is a keeper, I don't think that will happen. However...it's a lot for me to contemplate and deal with and muddle through (john 15, Matthew 10:38, Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34...ooohhh, giving up YOUR LIFE, Mark 10:21). (I hope i didn't offend any catholic readers).

I really am mad that this physician on tv was nice in front of the tumour lady's face but then said nasty things behind her back. that was mean. i don't like mean people. that's why i have a personal vendetta against e. (that's for all my antm friends). i don't like mean people. ugh....was that dude serious? come on. i so empathize with that tumour lady...that whole project reject complex. at the end of the day, all you want is to be accepted, loved...you want someone to think you're pretty and worth their time...then they go and do something booty like say mean things behind your back...and then front like? oh did i say something? whatever. oh no. the tumour lady died.

What I learned from pastor c. today: no one can protect you from the Christian fire squad but Jesus. really...this life isn't liveable without Him.

why does the super nanny exist? i'm going to pray over my kids that they will be good. they can be kids but i really want them to be good kids.

OH HALLELUJAH! I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY I HAD TO KEEP GOING TO CHANGE MY PASSWORD. CAN I LEARN HOW TO SPELL THOUGHTFUL? LORD JESUS! HAIL MARY!

Thoughts on being vulnerable...take 2.

I have problems being vulnerable. I have to stop at that sentence in fear of being beheaded by the Christian firing squad. Vulnerability is complete dependence on God. Vulnerability is risking transparency and judgement from others. Vulnerability is sometimes having to breakdown in my prayers at night with Jesus even though I tried to appear strong.

But oddly enough, I'm not. hmm.